Contemplating Suicide, Winter Depression, Auto Rides, and Transgenders

Ever since I have gained my consciousness of existentialism, I tend to think a lot. A lot.

Enough to say that the word ‘overthinking’ comes nowhere near the superlative form of thinking that I do.

It just makes me lost. Or at least, makes me feel so.

And this goes up to such an extent (especially in winters) that I start contemplating suicide on a daily basis. Not that I really want to do it or have any issues with my life. It’s just the burden of thoughts sometimes give me the urge of seeing how it would feel like if I jump out from my balcony, or in front of the metro.

Suicidal tendencies? Yeah!

“You should consider therapy” is what I hear back usually when I tell about this to someone. And I don’t like when someone says so, but when I think from their perspective… well, what else are they left to say with, right?

It was last year, 2020 October, when I was telling the same to Vinitha, a friend who is a UN whistleblower. Not a perfect introduction, but she’s amongst the very few people in my life who I really admire.

Anyways, it was her who told me about this term called ‘Winter Depression.’

I have felt it before, but I didn’t know that this feeling has a term and is quite common in developed countries.

Connecting the dots then, I realized how my behavior in the winters change and has led to a life that I am living presently.

Though I never looked up its meaning on Google. Neither should you. Try to feel what I wrote above vicariously and you’ll know. Unless I’m wrong and just been relying on some random two words that in actuality, don’t even exist.

F*** it. It’s December already. Who cares!?

I love traveling in autos instead of cabs in Delhi, but the only part I hate about the auto rides is the transgenders (hijda) at the traffic signals, asking for money.

It’s not like I hate them or have some stereotype set up; it’s just my experience with them has been very bad. Terrible. Horrifying in fact.

To give it words, well… ahem.

I have been assaulted by two transgenders in my life.

Both times,

• they have had my balls squeezed by their hands, asking for money.
• it was in Delhi
• I haven’t had any money with me
• I cried and got traumatized for a long time

You can legit see my legs shaking and me sweating when a transgender approaches me, asking for money.

I have been trying to change my perception affirmatively of the same for a long time now, but sometimes, you just can’t help it, can you?

What am I up to?

• have quit my comforting good paying job for the sake of my mental health
• recently came back from a 10-day break (trip) to Kausani, Rishikesh, and Nainital
• struggling to focus on the work to get started with all the things the way I wanted to before I left the job
• been reading a lot these days though
• and that’s it, I guess.

Until the next time… 👋