“Kuch aisa karke dikha, ki khud khush ho jaaye khuda”
Whenever I used to listen to “Aashayein”, I used to feel this huge thump on my chest at these lines.
Listening to it, I felt my goal isn’t kept in a box but is entitled to an extent, wherein God stays.
The irony is, I was and am, agnostic.
Though I’ve always loved the idea of God, Khuda, Allah, or whatever you name it.
Believing that somebody up there has made all of us and is writing our life journey ahead of us. Whoa!
It’s been months since I’ve actually had a goal.
Like an actual goal!
Or the one I had when I ran my book blog and took it to India’s top book blogs.
These days, life is just passing by and honestly, I’m not even trying to withhold it.
Not in a nihilist manner, but I don’t feel a reason to do so.
With so many things happening since last year, my default mood has become “numb.”
If a client says yes, “good.”
If one says no, “it doesn’t matter.”
It’s one of those moments wherein you’re just lying down on the bed, realizing that your life is passing by each moment that you’re procrastinating in. But it hardly matters as it’s the nature of time.
It’ll move forward whether you do or not.
With time, you’ve stopped feeling sad about this fact though.
All the songs that used to motivate you earlier, have completely stopped doing so.
All the quotes you used to write in your diary or stickers aren’t making you feel anything.
All the people you used to love hanging out with; you don’t feel like even meeting with them.
Is it your mind self-agonizing? Or anxiety? Or depression (gen-z word for stress)?
I don’t have a name for it, but I believe it’s an important phase.
Just like that breakup, you thought you were never going to move on from.
Or that huge financial crisis, you thought you would never be able to get out from.
Or that loss, you thought you would never be able to cope with.
All those changed you into who you’re today. And even though it ate out a lot of your time, in which you could’ve had tons of fun; it was important.
And so is this feeling.